Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Oh, I bet you would be
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
my dad has had enough