If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
You Might Also Like
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not