Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
#winning