No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Jail
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder