I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
🤣could you imagine
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
first you must answer his riddles
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha