If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.