I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Lmao the reply
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep