Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.