Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I have a place for everything. The floor.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid