Why is it spelled camouflage and not
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.