Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it