“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno