I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I think this cat is broken
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”