Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Good morning.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
seems like a niche market
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?