Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Great acting.. 😂
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*