It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
😂😂
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
You had me at “define legal”.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems