(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Attacked by a mop.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”