I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
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Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
monday
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like