dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
some Old Testament wisdom
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Cheers Twitter.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day