The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
You Might Also Like
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
consequences, the bane of my existence
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”