[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
only 11 steps left
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok