{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.