I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My chiropractor is a crack addict.