For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Spring of Deception
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Don’t touch that.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.