I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.