deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
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My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
relationship goals
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN