If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes