Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore