My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]