6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
moms in horror movies
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family