I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.