I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
can’t believe I got front row seats
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
good for her
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?