The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Customize Your Wedding.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.