Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work