She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving