ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
One venti cheeseburger please.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over