If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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liiiiiiiiike
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.