*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
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True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it