Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
This makes total sense…
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.