[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
You Might Also Like
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Knock Knock
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
nature’s most graceful animal
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.