evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁