[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?