Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.