“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Rt to bother an English speaker
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.