I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Y’all ready for this
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions