Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
had to share :’)
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.