I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed