I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.