no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.