Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You Might Also Like
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged